graduation
i think i'm beginning to realize that maybe graduating is a big deal. it just occurred to me that there have been people who've graduated in the past and i haven't really said "congratulations...", at least i don't remember doing so, or giving them a card etc. i only remember my eldest sister graduating (that was something, i cheered her on).
but back to today and what it means to me. it's 12:39AM. i technically should be in bed right now but it's been a long day and i figure what better time to write this than ten hours before my graduation. i pray there'll be no bags (under the eyes) later on today.
what i envisaged before graduating was to have this crazy praise and worship night, totally thanking God for bringing me to the end of my four years at MIT. it's been rough...from the freshman year when i thought i was simply no good. i came here and just felt dumber than ever. contemplated transferring to stanford (actually filled out an online application). i cried and cried...thank God He holds my tears. and i've made it. through all the wondering whether i was good enough to complete this degree well...which made me wonder whether i'd get into med school (which i did bless God)...and made me wonder so much about myself. i guess i came to the place...or rather came to realize that it's not me who makes something of myself, it's God who does. so He could take care of all my crappy grades...i just had to do my part, instead of struggling to prove to everyone that i am someone. that's God job. infact, i am someone in Him!
well, now i am here. not because of what i've done, but because of what God has done. He got me into this school (save the fact that i didn't have the prettiest SAT score or only applied to 3 schools. this school was my only "yes"). and i'm thinking about what my mother told me today. that i should be so thankful to God. yes i should. a couple of weeks ago i was. but i just got so caught up in thinking about the future...about my frustration in raising funds for med school. about my frustration in not knowing. i got so caught up yet again, despite the millions of trust messages i've heard this past month. i got caught up the day before my graduation and i couldn't even see the cap and gown as something meaningful. but it is. it is meaningful because all of this is a representation of God's faithfulness. i cannot count the number of times that He has been faithful through college but i can highlight some areas:
he saved me from the wrong friendships...i went off doing my own thing with guys who'd bring me down but He picked me right up and put me on the right path...
when i was on registration hold, the funds always seemed to come through at the right time
i went on a mission trip with teenmania ministries, something i always wanted to do long before coming here
he blessed me with beautiful friends...people who actually build me up.
i kept in touch with my family a whole lot even though we're spread out (over the world effectively)
he blessed me with a wonderful church..amazing i should say...
so much to say...but i should rest this body of mine so that it can function later on today...
in short, even though i haven't managed to have that praise and worship session i wished i could have...even though i got bogged down today by the future and not knowing what it holds...even though even though even though...i am still graduating. and i have no one else to thank but God. it is not my own achievement because God knows the number of times i soaked my pillow or woke up with red eyes the next morning and cried to Him. God knows the number of times i prayed out loud in my room...asking for help...God knows all the songs i listened to over and over again with words like "i believe i can make it", "trouble ain't gonna stay here any more", "i can't give up now..." the list is endless. so now, i sing "great is your faithfulness God"...he is mad faithful. thank you God for taking me this far.
so today when i graduate and they call out my name, i'll know that i've thought about two things...that God carried me these four years and how blessed i am to be a latigo. in my application essay to MIT i wrote about how my name means never give up in acholi and whip in spanish. people often laugh when i say that it means whip...but in my essay i simply said, it's a way of hitting my predicament on its backside and moving on with life...that's my whip. thank you God that i am a latigo. because of you i never gave up and because of you i gave MIT a good one on the backside and i made it through...no we made it through. and now, i officially declare "the best is yet to come!"
in His name,
Dr. Latigo.
the verses that made me think today...
message version.
Eph 4
30Don't grieve God. Don't break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted.
Eph 5
1Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. 2Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.
and i thought this was neat b/c i read this just before reading cowi's blog:
Eph 4
4You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. 5You have one Master, one faith, one baptism, 6one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do is permeated with Oneness.
7But that doesn't mean you should all look and speak and act the same. Out of the generosity of Christ, each of us is given his own gift.
be blessed:)
Life Love and Other mysteries
Why?
When?
Which?
what?
Where?
How?
when put to life love and other mysteries these questions (for me) remind me of how little I am in the universal sphere and how much I need a helping hand to get through life.I wonder mostly why it is I turn to sources which cannot help me when I know the ideal and final source for all answers is God.Other times I wonder why I'm turning to God when he doesn't seem to answer me immediately.
I love having friends. Challenging and trust worthy and above all the most loving people I know is what I can say about my closest friends. The ones I share my blog with. Mel,Liz and D. Through the three of them I have learned what it means to be loved and I have had a chance to love. I have learned what it means to be hurt and what it means to hurt. Through this I have learned to be forgiven but more so to forgive. To live rather than watch life pass me by. It is the freedom I have had to open up and share my shortcomings to be real and still be safe that have made me who I am. It is the testing questions posed by them about my faith and those I pose to them about my faith.
Its easy to say we share the same faith BUT in the reality of it that just cannot be true. We share a faith in Jesus that's for sure but our individual paths have taken us through different journeys , phases and tests. We have come out having learned fundamental truths of life separately from each other. THIS is I believe the fundamental reason why they are my best friends. It is the uniqueness of each of our experiences that have helped enriched my life so much. Not only the uniqueness but the complete acceptance by each that we all have an individual journey and that it is alright to be at different places and believe different things for a time. It is the complete acceptance within my network that everyone must learn from God what God is teaching them at their own time.
Whenever I have a season change in my life life's questions take me out on a rollercoaster ride of uncertainty and near madness. My fears come alive (those paper tigers) and my faith is shaken where it is not so strong. I'm in a time like this now, and being here has helped me to realize that yes God made my friends My three beautiful friends who though they may not know it keep inspiring me to plod on and trust and even when it seems life's journey has taken a wrong turn I can make it I can count on OUR GOD.
when you don't like the place you live in
I was washing the dishes this morning and I thought to myself, wow I really haven't shown any love to my suite mates whatsoever this entire year. I'll give you the background...
I live on the 3rd floor of burton-conner (the burton side) which is known for its "notorious bombers." Basically, it's a real rowdy floor and all - I won't go into the details but think extreme. Anyway, so this past year I had the choice between moving to a beautiful grad dorm (talk about having you own bathroom, kitchen etc) or staying in burton-conner which I'll simply describe as "the familiar." I chose the latter. I chose it for sevral reasons. Firstly it's closer to the main campus, I was scared of feeling lonely if I moved and my friends weren't and lastly because I felt I still hadn't made my impact on the floor. Well there is a great anti-Christian sentiment on this floor (I feel). Last year I won the "not going to hell award" tsk tsk and then I was told when I was trying to get the room I'm in now that I should room somewhere else because people "don't like my religion."
Anyway, I'll let all that speak for itself. But back to the main reason I'm writing this. The "impact" I felt that I hadn't made after co-leading a group bible study was genuinely showing people some love. Sounds cheezy and totally "Christian lingo" but bear with me.
For real, I felt so convicted when I led the study that I should have been for starters praying more for my floor because a) I didn't like what was going on around me and b) I believe in the power of prayer so why not pray. So I figured that living on the bombers floor one last year would give me a chance to rectify all this and actually get to know people that I didn't really hang out with...I went a step further and even bought Joyce Meyers "Walking in Love" package.
And after all this, I feel like I've failed miserably. I've totally been irritated. I've hated living in this suite sometimes...why? People being just plain dirty, throwing up i the bathroom (over my stuff too), just not keeping the place clean, smoking like there's no tomorrow...yeah yeah...etc. It simply pissed me off that I couldn't separate who they are from what they do. Well up to this point I'm simply glad to be moving off. But in all that I feel I haven't been what I was supposed to be...or moreso, I haven't been all I could have been.
I feel there's nothing I can do to rectify this (I'm leaving this palce in a week) and the whole "what if i stumble, what if i fall, what if i lose myself and make fools of us all" (dc talk) is partially haunting me. partially. i could just say "whatever, i'll learn from my mistakes and do something about the next place i move to" but that doesn't suffice at all.
So my question is "what does it mean to love the people you're not close to? what does it mean to love the people around you that you have nothing in common with (AT ALL!)?" It's often bugged me but at the same time, I'm screaming to be real with people. I hate the plastic smiles and "how are you doings" when you don't care jack about how i am doing. I hate all that so i try not to be that to people. But when i'm not that to people, i feel like i'm just concerned about my own business and not showing any love at all...not that the first action is any love anyway.
It's all too confusing. I can't decide whether I'm simply worried about what people think of me as in: "Oh there goes the Christian girl who's just a phony.." or it's more like "God maybe had wanted me for something but I didn't accomplish it and was as good as the first half of Jonah in the making."
So I admit I have run away from "my Nineveh" and what to do? Pray? Stretch myself? Get out of my comfort zone even though it feels fake to talk to some people and build up on that?
Once again, how do you love people whom you're not close to...because someone once told me when I was inviting him to some "Christian potluck" you can't love people if you don't know them...
????? are my sentiments for now.
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There's more about this whole love deal. When you start off college you tend to find this group of friends that you hang out with from day zero. Yaani you're just inseparable. (long time since I've used yaani thought i'd throw it in). Anyway, I figure that happened to me. We called ourselves the bsu (black students union) because we are all black (figure) and we sat together in calculus and thought we stood out like crazy. Initially, I was like I totally love these people...seriously they were the coolest friends anyone would hope to have their freshman year. And now? Stuff happens I guess. I'm not saying they are no longer great...I'm just saying that the structure of these friendships have changed so much it's amazing. So rather than beat about the bush here's the story plain and simple. This group consists of Tasha, Peter and Brian*** (*** names have been changed). During the four years I have hang out a lot with Brian but we haven't been that tight. Peter on the other hand, I'd say we've been tight (he now has a girlfriend hehe) but we still talk and stuff. Now Tasha, we were real tight in the beginning and our friendship has literally fallen apart...just vanished really. We've had our issues over the four years...like there's a time she liked someone I liked and we both weren't amused (drama drama drama) actually the person was Peter..imagine the drama. Then last year after the summer, we just stopped talking (as in Tasha and I). It's weird. We've talked about it and I think we're very much aware of the situation and frankly I don't think there's anything I can do about it. As they say stuff happens. Somehow I feel that I could have done more for the friendship though...I feel that Tasha is someone who needs more attention than others...than myself. But in some cases it was too much of a stretch to give that attention. I gave it anyway (in the beginning). There was a time I stopped,partly because I was tired and partly because I felt the attention I was giving wasn't being noticed (i.e. it wasn't a mutual thing). And then, I dunno, the friendship just died. I still talk to her, but phonecalls are extremely rare...
I sometimes wonder what I could've done. Loved her more? Kept on giving her more attention even though I just didn't feel like it? But I guess the saying may be true, friends for a season, a reason and a lifetime...maybe this friendship was just seasonal. I had it when I needed to have it and now I've moved on. It feels so sad to simply acknowledge that but maybe I need to. It's time I moved on. Someone could come wave a stick over my head and say come on girl, save the friendship before it's too late. But you know what, I think in this case I'm just going to settle for "stuff happens" because you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone want to hang out with you, and if at this rate my actions are feeling too forced i'll just let it be. It was a great friendship and I think i'm just going to have to let it go.
