Life Love and Other Mysteries............

Reposition Yourself

I must admit, perhaps I don't have the same desire or gusto with which I once began my schooling. My goals were once clear. I knew what I wanted. I would go to medical school (I added another degree on the side because I just did not want to be a clinician), become a pediatrician and somehow combine all that and work toward improving child health care in the "sub-Saharan African setting"...from a public health standpoint. Well, I guess that was a very broad goal. But I knew where I was going. However, I remember telling someone when I decided to pursue the additional degree (Health Services Research) that perhaps it would shed some light on my idealism, in my quest to "save the world."

Well, maybe I was right. My path took some interesting turns...some I was excited about, some I was not so excited about. For example, I found an interesting niche in the field of health technology...it might be a recent fad...developing new technology that is appropriate for resource-limited settings. That became the hallmark of my dissertation on which I'm still working. But it's funny you know...it seems like all these years I have fought so hard to stay in school and thank God He helped me. And now, it's the home stretch...1.5 years to go (out of 7) and I am strangely tired. I long for that zeal I once had in me to carry me forward. And I've reached a point where I am asking questions...questioning my interests...actually right now I am doing my clinical rotations and I realize this is something I do not want to do for life. Though I'm not sure. I mean, I know God called me to this field...well to school. The way things worked out...if you go back in time in this blog (2005) it's rather strange...my desire to go to medical school is quite evident. I went through so much...wondering, wishing, hoping, waiting..and boom...I got in.

Then came the saga of no financial aid...wondering whether the money would come from...and the fights the battles to stay in school. Believe you me, I would not wish this to be anyone's path...trying to figure out where you'll get $50,000 every year. Somehow it worked out...with adding the additional degree, I paid graduate tuition (slightly cheaper) and was eligible for certain scholarships (external scholarships for medical school are few and far between especially if you're an international...but graduate school + being a woman seems to open up some doors).

So my battles have included late registrations, the bureaucracies of getting so and so to sign what, and I guess given that I was paying for a degree that technically should be funded...maybe I felt I was on my own...somewhat...then again, I was stubborn...I really wanted to pursue what interested in me...and I found it. Then came the time when I thought I wouldn't even be able to start my 3rd year of medical school. There were no funding options whatsoever...so I did the craziest thing, filled out a transfer application. Talk about a 0.05% probability and God came through. I was in. I am here. I am in my 3rd year of medical school which has its own challenges by the way. Got the dime but it appears that the bureacracies still exist in taking out loans...well I'm here. That's what matters. The only strange thing is...I am not thrilled. I almost feel like I'm going through the motions and I cannot wait to get to the finish line. To be done. And not look back. I'm not so sure about residency any more. Rather, I've been considering the idea of just applying for a job...consulting, research....something. And what happened to the zeal and passion I once had in the beginning...even when I studied? I could go long hours studying and studying...now? Hmmm. Almost feel like I need help here.

Well, in an attempt to address all of this, I remembered I book I bought a while back...it's called "Reposition Yourself." Didn't quite read all of it...to be honest. Felt it didn't apply then. But does it now? :) Anyway, I just want to get myself in order in a way and just want to give reading the book a shot. We'll see what happens. Maybe it has some hidden pearls that can resuscitate me...

posted by mel @ 7:02 am