Life Love and Other Mysteries............

when you don't like the place you live in

I was washing the dishes this morning and I thought to myself, wow I really haven't shown any love to my suite mates whatsoever this entire year. I'll give you the background...

I live on the 3rd floor of burton-conner (the burton side) which is known for its "notorious bombers." Basically, it's a real rowdy floor and all - I won't go into the details but think extreme. Anyway, so this past year I had the choice between moving to a beautiful grad dorm (talk about having you own bathroom, kitchen etc) or staying in burton-conner which I'll simply describe as "the familiar." I chose the latter. I chose it for sevral reasons. Firstly it's closer to the main campus, I was scared of feeling lonely if I moved and my friends weren't and lastly because I felt I still hadn't made my impact on the floor. Well there is a great anti-Christian sentiment on this floor (I feel). Last year I won the "not going to hell award" tsk tsk and then I was told when I was trying to get the room I'm in now that I should room somewhere else because people "don't like my religion."

Anyway, I'll let all that speak for itself. But back to the main reason I'm writing this. The "impact" I felt that I hadn't made after co-leading a group bible study was genuinely showing people some love. Sounds cheezy and totally "Christian lingo" but bear with me.
For real, I felt so convicted when I led the study that I should have been for starters praying more for my floor because a) I didn't like what was going on around me and b) I believe in the power of prayer so why not pray. So I figured that living on the bombers floor one last year would give me a chance to rectify all this and actually get to know people that I didn't really hang out with...I went a step further and even bought Joyce Meyers "Walking in Love" package.

And after all this, I feel like I've failed miserably. I've totally been irritated. I've hated living in this suite sometimes...why? People being just plain dirty, throwing up i the bathroom (over my stuff too), just not keeping the place clean, smoking like there's no tomorrow...yeah yeah...etc. It simply pissed me off that I couldn't separate who they are from what they do. Well up to this point I'm simply glad to be moving off. But in all that I feel I haven't been what I was supposed to be...or moreso, I haven't been all I could have been.

I feel there's nothing I can do to rectify this (I'm leaving this palce in a week) and the whole "what if i stumble, what if i fall, what if i lose myself and make fools of us all" (dc talk) is partially haunting me. partially. i could just say "whatever, i'll learn from my mistakes and do something about the next place i move to" but that doesn't suffice at all.

So my question is "what does it mean to love the people you're not close to? what does it mean to love the people around you that you have nothing in common with (AT ALL!)?" It's often bugged me but at the same time, I'm screaming to be real with people. I hate the plastic smiles and "how are you doings" when you don't care jack about how i am doing. I hate all that so i try not to be that to people. But when i'm not that to people, i feel like i'm just concerned about my own business and not showing any love at all...not that the first action is any love anyway.


It's all too confusing. I can't decide whether I'm simply worried about what people think of me as in: "Oh there goes the Christian girl who's just a phony.." or it's more like "God maybe had wanted me for something but I didn't accomplish it and was as good as the first half of Jonah in the making."


So I admit I have run away from "my Nineveh" and what to do? Pray? Stretch myself? Get out of my comfort zone even though it feels fake to talk to some people and build up on that?

Once again, how do you love people whom you're not close to...because someone once told me when I was inviting him to some "Christian potluck" you can't love people if you don't know them...

????? are my sentiments for now.

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There's more about this whole love deal. When you start off college you tend to find this group of friends that you hang out with from day zero. Yaani you're just inseparable. (long time since I've used yaani thought i'd throw it in). Anyway, I figure that happened to me. We called ourselves the bsu (black students union) because we are all black (figure) and we sat together in calculus and thought we stood out like crazy. Initially, I was like I totally love these people...seriously they were the coolest friends anyone would hope to have their freshman year. And now? Stuff happens I guess. I'm not saying they are no longer great...I'm just saying that the structure of these friendships have changed so much it's amazing. So rather than beat about the bush here's the story plain and simple. This group consists of Tasha, Peter and Brian*** (*** names have been changed). During the four years I have hang out a lot with Brian but we haven't been that tight. Peter on the other hand, I'd say we've been tight (he now has a girlfriend hehe) but we still talk and stuff. Now Tasha, we were real tight in the beginning and our friendship has literally fallen apart...just vanished really. We've had our issues over the four years...like there's a time she liked someone I liked and we both weren't amused (drama drama drama) actually the person was Peter..imagine the drama. Then last year after the summer, we just stopped talking (as in Tasha and I). It's weird. We've talked about it and I think we're very much aware of the situation and frankly I don't think there's anything I can do about it. As they say stuff happens. Somehow I feel that I could have done more for the friendship though...I feel that Tasha is someone who needs more attention than others...than myself. But in some cases it was too much of a stretch to give that attention. I gave it anyway (in the beginning). There was a time I stopped,partly because I was tired and partly because I felt the attention I was giving wasn't being noticed (i.e. it wasn't a mutual thing). And then, I dunno, the friendship just died. I still talk to her, but phonecalls are extremely rare...


I sometimes wonder what I could've done. Loved her more? Kept on giving her more attention even though I just didn't feel like it? But I guess the saying may be true, friends for a season, a reason and a lifetime...maybe this friendship was just seasonal. I had it when I needed to have it and now I've moved on. It feels so sad to simply acknowledge that but maybe I need to. It's time I moved on. Someone could come wave a stick over my head and say come on girl, save the friendship before it's too late. But you know what, I think in this case I'm just going to settle for "stuff happens" because you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone want to hang out with you, and if at this rate my actions are feeling too forced i'll just let it be. It was a great friendship and I think i'm just going to have to let it go.

posted by mel @ 1:41 pm