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i've just eaten three slices of cake and rice...my post fast meal. yes, i was hungry. turns out my church is fasting and yes i am fasting too. it was surprisingly peaceful today. no issues or bitterness which is a good thing. well except that i sat down to pray/read my bible after breaking my fast and all i had the desire to read is james dobson's book, life on the edge which i last read when i was in high school (my last year of).
so i'm reading this book and i think it's finally beginning to dawn on me that:
1) i absolutely need God...like crazy and i feel like i'm failing to get to Him. like there could be more that i could do for Him to show Him how much i need Him but i'm just not doing it...
2) i really need someone. forget all the fluff that comes with marriage. i need someone to help me stay focused on God, to be my accountability partner in a nutshell because i seriously feel like somewhere in my spirit i'm singing a rendition of babyface's nobody knows.
3) i'm graduating in just over 3 months. i'm a senior. a freakin' senior. well, i'm not supposed to be having some "early life crisis" and bless God i won't. it's just that maybe...maybe this book that i'm reading finally makes sense to me now. i don't think i've ever felt more on the edge than now.
4) what is going to happen? i don't know...this is the weirdest place that i've been at so far in my life. it's filled with mixed emotions. with wanting to know, wanting to be the someone i've dreamed of, wanting to have people in my life that are genuine, wondering whether the people in my life are genuine, wondering how to invest my time...whether time spent with some people will be more fruitful than time spent with others...wondering whether i really could do more...wondering how much i have to hold on to God in the fear that if i don't that i just might fall...so much so much...
5) i feel like sitting in a corner with a bedsheet over my head and hiding. i want to cry, i want to scream, i want to be hugged, i want to lay on a beach in the warmth of the sun, i want to just say "God" and feel Him holding my hand and saying "it's fine"
6) i need someone.
7) most of all i really really really need You God.
8) no more comfort zones...no more safe haven. that's what college has been. my cocoon. it's time to make a whole lot of decisions for myself. so help me God.
