a call to all perfectionists
maybe i should have said a call to all people pleasers. i think i am one. and i think it's quite a burden if you ask me.
i read some good stuff this past week because it made me think about this "people pleaser" complex. i've been working on a paper for the summer as part of a research fellowship. the thing is, it's not for a professor or anything...i chose the topic and have been meeting with a professor to help guide me through it. little did i know that the topic i chose was quite broad. well, it seemed specific at first but as i labored through it, it began to seem like i had created a monster.
what was once an interest that stirred me was beginning to rear its ugly head. i was haunted by my past spring and summer's experience of trying to write a research paper. talk about senioritis and trying to accomplish a task pre and post-graduation. yes, it did suck.
my fear came back..."maybe i'm not gifted in writing research papers. if i'm not gifted i shouldn't be in this field...there's bound to be lots of research and if i can't do this now how will i ever be able to make through it later...maybe maybe...Lord, i'm not good at this. i should be something else?" and it went on and on. and i kept on thinking like i did last year of how i'd appear as such a disappointment to my advisor. she must think i'm lazy, inexperienced and naive i thought to myself. she briefly mentioned a flaw in one of her students work when i had a meeting with her...what if she was spelling out my flaws to the whole world?
that was it. i had to finish the paper. i had to toil and toil and just get it done. except i wasn't enjoying it the way i wanted to. then i came to the realization that i was not doing it for my professor, i was doing it for myself. this was what i wanted to do. after all it was a learning experience and i couldn't get everything right the first time.
that lifted the burden off my shoulders only temporarily. this past week though, i've been re-evaluating what i do live for. in 1 corinthians 1, i've read about not resting my faith on human wisdom but on God's power. maybe i've been doing more of the former. questioning whether i'm good enough, knowledgeable enough and analytical enough because if i couldn't be all these things my paper would straight up suck. i forgot though...i forgot about being here for a reason. and if i'm here for a reason then God should be here to help me...and you know what it says in that chapter that's so hot? that God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, He chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly and despised things, the things that are not to nullify the things that are. wow. talk about God's mighty power working through the "me" who thought she wasn't experienced enough.
a devotion that i read further went on to say that "faith that is sure of itself is not faith, faith that is sure of God is the only faith there is..." hmmm deep stuff! i guess i was looking at too much of myself in trying to accomplish what i needed to instead of looking to God. i am not called to believe in myself i guess, i'm called to believe that God is able in me. look at Gideon for instance. i mean this guy had nothing great going for him...except God. and God was the reason He was able to defeat that midianites (check it out for yourself in judges 6 - 7).
i think i all too often i just get scared of not pleasing those around me. not seeming competent enough. not seeming smart enough when i guess people expect me to be smart. but you know what, i'm not called to please people around me, i'm called to please God. when i labor trying to get things right all the time and just perfect, it becomes just so frustrating. but when i aim to live in continual fellowship with God and being a part of His agenda, all these other tasks that sometimes seem like i took the bull by the horns (and wore a red shirt), are laid at God's feet. i am free because God is first and i serve Him. i do my work to the best of my ability for Him then everything else falls into place...kinda reminds me of the bic ad feeling..."it just glides as i write." :)
i shouldn't be afraid of making mistakes and appearing bad. i shouldn't be afraid of messing up what i'm doing. i'm doing this for God who for starters is the wisest and has got my back. He promises to never leave me. He promises that if i turn to the right or to the left He will say this is the way walk in it...man i just can't get enough.
it's a confidence in God not in our abilities. it's revering God, not man...not our professors, not our friends and not our family. proverbs 29:25 says "The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever leans on, trusts in, and puts his confidence in the Lord is safe and set on high." (AMP)
first things first, that's God first. then the rest falls into place.
