Summer Rain, Summer Growth
Sometimes when you think of the Ethiopian highlands, what may come to mind is a vast arid land. Maybe an unusual emptiness based on the famine that once swept through this land. Maybe that’s where I was being here in Addis - feeling slightly empty. After months of wondering where exactly the hand of God would move in life, no – how exactly the hand of God would move. After months of looking into what seemed so uncertain but based on what I believe God had told me I had to keep holding on. To break it down, I was battling with the ever-so popular financial constraints and earlier, questioning where I was going to be after graduation. And then, after four years of what seemed to be tedious work, work that sucked me into a continuous roller coaster of the grades I didn’t want, emotional hangovers and more…I wanted rest so bad. I just wanted to lay in my bed and if I may say catch up on 4 years worth of sleep. Please don’t get me wrong, college was and still remains a great experience in so many countless ways but sometimes you just get plain tired.
In my longing for rest, I decided to go home to Addis Ababa. I came home during a season that farmers here in the rural areas celebrate because it gives their tef(a plant made into flour responsible for making njera – their staple diet)a chance to flourish. We call this time the rainy season. And trust me when it rains here, it rains every day and it rains big time. So, there I was, partly worn out, with thoughts still wavering over my head like money for school, whether I’d have a chance to go to Kenya too, and my hidden desire to grow into a woman of God. Going to Kenya would add a great twist to my vacation, firstly because my friends are there and I just wanted that week of a little fun, you know, which seemed to be scarce in this place. The reason being, I’m basically new to this area. I’m convinced my closest friend outside of the family is a six-year-old and I spend most of my time in the house. At least I don’t suffer from too much cabin fever.
Well, as it turns out, all hopes of going to Kenya were thwarted. Was slightly disappointed but I had to move on. Then, my dream of growth seemed far from coming true. My prayer life seemed to have frozen, the Bible was simply foreign and worship was just non-existent. Even in reading T.D. Jakes book, "God’s Leading Lady," I felt no change in me. I felt no desire to pray, no desire to rejoice in God. I simply felt dry.
But maybe while I was focusing on this dryness, I didn’t notice God’s gentle rain on my back. I didn’t notice that He hadn’t forgotten me. I picked up a book called "Just Enough Light for the Step I’m On" (Stormie Omartian) which spoke to me in a tremendous way and is still speaking to me. The title alone speaks to me. Quotes like: "It’s a more certain proposition to follow the Lord, not knowing where you’re going than to think you know where you’re going and you’re not following the Lord." Although in my case I thought I was an example of the two negatives in the sentence. But I was beginning to realize (I know people do talk about it) that God is real, He is faithful and He will not let me fall. I just have to trust Him for where I’m at, knowing that He’s got me where He wants me. And even if sometimes I feel like I’ve made the wrong choices, He is bigger than that and He’ll lead me to the place where He wants me to be. I just have to trust Him. I have to be still. And I can’t trust Him if I’m not living in what He has to offer, if I’m not living in His word, if I’m simply living in those things that take away or question what He means to me. Sometimes it takes a little sacrifice. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it seems so futile just opening your mouth to say things you don’t feel - I love You God, Oh God You’re wonderful. I felt none of that. But I told Him about how dry I felt. And I struggled to confess the things that I knew were true, like His faithfulness, remembering what He had brought me through in the past.
And I’m beginning to realize, that "baby steps" are alright. "Baby steps" are okay. I don’t have to know everything all at once, I just have to know that He’s got me. I know all this is not a major realization, I know it’s been said before. I know I’ve said it before. But when it becomes real to you all over again, that’s different and that’s fine.
To be honest, I still don’t know where the money is coming from. I’m still not the woman I’d hope to be…I mean there are many things in me I want to change. Frankly, I wish my hair wouldn’t be as wild as it is and that those blemishes on my face would go away (just being real). But that’s all okay. I deeply believe that if I learn to just breathe God’s goodness, His mercy, if I learn to just cling to His hand…then that’s enough. There are things I want to change, there are things I want to have but most of all, I want the trust that says: God is enough.
It’s funny how you doubt God is doing anything at all in you. I mean life just seems to scream "stagnation" but in God’s world He’s building you. You seem to be groping along in the dark but He’s holding you even when you don’t know it or even when you think that you’ve slipped so far from His grip. He knows where you are and stands true to His word that He’ll never leave you nor forsake you.
Knowing that there’s "…enough light for the step I’m on " is my summer shower and God knows my summer growth. That’s okay.
