Do it Afraid
so in the continuing saga of my life, my dreams and post graduation...i've decided to "do it afraid." it's funny how we read stories in the bible like david and goliath and think that david just ran after him with 100% faith and no fear...joyce meyer said something today, just because david said my God will deliver me from this "uncircumsized philistine" i.e. goliath, doesn't mean he didn't have doubts, or some fear or whatever. i'm beginning to realize that sometimes when i think God has something meant for me i'm supposed to be all positive and no fear. it sounds pretty extreme. well let me put it this way, that any fear or doubts i may have are an indication that something is wrong with the path i'm taking...well that is not always the case. see i've prayed about stuff in the future and it all boils down to {"whether i turn to the right or to the left God will tell me this is the way, walk in it"...so i'm going to walk..and i'm going to do it afraid because He is holding my hand and He WILL show me the way...i can't sit on my butt forever.
so what's in the wind?
we're all human yeah...interesting articles for fellow human beings....
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A673508
http://heptune.com/farts.html
hmmmm
so i figure if i use this blog thing more often it may just simply be my "vent spot." don't really like the sound of that but maybe that's what it's there for...at least your listening cowi. so i've figured that my prayer life has been reduced to constant mumbling. i kinda wake up, lying on my side and mutter a few things about my friends, family and self...somewhere end or it's kind of those prayers with the the three dots at the end (...). wow i can't remember the grammatical term for that (as in the three dots). anyway, like i said before i was reading the bible (entire) and i got slightly bored today (i think it's because of reading a huge chunk). then med school. the strangest thing happened to me yesterday. well so in the morning i started freaking out about hearing from them, then doubted my passion. i wondered whether God really wants me doing this whole med school thing. i've always wanted to work with kids regarding health and tehir personal development and everytime i tell someone they are like "wow that's a noble cause." (just on the side, i hate that). so i took my mcats (didn't do as well as i'd hoped) but applied to med school anyway because God is bigger than that right? and now i'm just waiting to hear something, anything (well something positive at least). and since i'm not hearing anything i wonder whether it'll be reduced to one of those if'it's-meant-to-be-God-will-make-it-work situations or my life will take a totally different path and i'll find myself doing something else and find out how that really worked for me. that's real scary though coz i've had this dream most of my life. then i question maybe it's my dream for me not God's dream for me. ahhhhh. so back to the interesting thing that happened yesterday. i was telling a friend about this state of mind, then later on in the af'noon, a friend from fellowship group comes along to drop off a christmas present from the leader...christi (on the side she's really neat. she actually came to college and she wasn't a christian etc...and her surname begins with an "s" so her email add from the beginning was christis@...isn't that awesome, christis or christ is @...). well it was this huge thing ( 8 by 11) and i'm like what on earth is this? and i opened it and there is this bound up document full of photocopied pages. yep, i'm first i'm thinking "interesting gift." turns out it's this collection by global urban trek, about poverty in developing countries and issues that i hope to pursue later on like justice, social development, health, AIDS, prostitution (mainly child)...it's actually awesome and all this is from a spiritual perspective. so i'm thinking "wow" but at the same time there's that is-this-really-for-you voice in my head...so right now i'm kinda at the point of "thank you God for the gift" and i'll be reading the whole thing through. there's really no climax to this story if you were expecting one. the fact is i'm still waiting. waiting to hear from God. waiting for something to happen. it's just weird not knowing but i guess that's why there's something called "trust." funny, someone once said it's not that good things happen to people while they wait, good things happen to people who act while they wait. i don't know what "acting" i should be doing right now. the only thing that makes sense to me is getting to know God more. so i act on that, and i'm back to square one..the mumbled prayers..the chapatis...the reading thru the bible. oh God that you would just breathe on me and make my time with you SOMETHIN'...like i'm really loving you.
two and a half chapatis
so i just don't get it. or maybe i do. some time back i decided to fast every tuesday. so basically i really really hate fasting...a whole lot. but i figured since i don't really understand why people have to fast that i'd do it and see what happens. so it went so so...like i'd fast till 6 but every time i did that i'd just count the hours till 6 you know, then come 6 o clock i'd pig out like crazy. so i did fast and pray. except more than often my prayers were on the bed because i sometimes didn't have enough energy and when i prayed closer to 6 o clock i couldn't wait to say "amen." then over the summer i gave up fasting for a while coz i was studying and figured i couldn't concentrate...then i went back to it. then every time i fast, i keep on thinking what's the point and i figure i should just hold on anyway and see what happens. maybe i get extra strength that i don't know about. then today comes along, another wonderful tuesday and i'm fasting...i can't think and i'm tired. so i lie on my bed and read my bible. then i get this idea in my head that i shoud go check my mail (like maybe it's God talking to me). well the deal is i've been waiting for responses from med schools and i've been dead anxious about that here and there. sometimes i don't know whether to keep believing or you know consider an alternate plan in the meantime other than US medical schools. it's just frustrating not knowing anything. so in the middle of my bible session i feel that i should go check my mail and obviously in the back of my head i'm thinking today is "miracle day," the day i actually hear from a med school. and i go and nothing! so i get mad (just a tad) and figure that i torture myself too much and tell God i'm not fasting anymore and i eat two chapatis and that's not enough so i go back for another half. am i just complicated or what? will God hear me regardless of whether i fast or not? if i don't fast is it like i'm missing out on an extra blessing? or is God disappointed with me bcoz i planned on fasting every tuesday but i didn't? i don't know. it's all pretty frustrating. i still hate fasting...and what's the deal with david not giving to God that which costs nothing? fasting costs me something. so do i not love God the way i should be loving Him? questions questions. answers? answers?
Realisations On Life
I read through this blog the other day and realised that the blogs vary according the spiritual input in my life. The times I'm in a low/undecided state are the times when I 'm not spending enough time in the word and with God. Like the most recesnt post where I open up about my doubts was written at a time when I had been in a state of spiritual drought so to speak for a while. I was just recovering from it and the more time I spent in the word the greater the conviction to see my heart and realize I needed change. In fact ever since the las week of 2004 no matter where I look the word to me has been abolish any compromise. So I guess it is a season of change i"m coming into. Thanks Mel for your encouraging words. I know all you said is true. Truth is its more of a Dilemma between the three persons who make me up. Spirit soul and body. let me give you a picture,
SPIRIT = THIS IS WRONG DON"T DO IT
SOUL = THIS WILL FEEL GOOD MAKE YOU HAPPY BESIDES YOU KNOW HE'S
GOOD FOR YOU
BODY = WHAT WILL EVERYONE THINK DON'T DO IT
So this helps me realise I still have a way to go. ALthough my flesh is not willing to associate itself with sin, It is for all the WRONG reason PRIDE. So I still need discipline and death of flesh and soul. SO I'm thanksful because just as promised God didn't leave me when I was weak but showed me my faults and gave me the courage to face them. Isn't his grace amazing. This just reminds me of a certain song that speaks of my heart so well...
YOU DON'T MISS A THING - Jaci Velasquez (my fav christian artist)
You know my motives
You know my heart
No matter what I’m doin’
You see my secrets
Right through the dark
Who do I think I’m foolin’?
You watch me runnin’
You let me hide
’cause you know where I’m goin’...to
Seeking me
Reaching me
Keeping me in your care, lord
I can’t escape it
You don’t miss a thing I do
You see every move I make
But you know everything I need
You don’t let a care get by you
You don’t miss a thing, do you?
When my heart’s broken
You dry my tears
’cause you know what I’m feelin’
When I am frozen
You melt my fears
Your gentle love is healing
You feed my hunger
You quench my thirst
’cause you are my provider
Leading me
Teaching me
Keeping me in your care, lord
I can’t escape it
You don’t miss a thing I do
You see every move I make
You know everything I need
You don’t let a dare get by you
You hear every word I say
I will never go unnoticed
’cause you don’t miss a thing, do you?
You don’t miss a thing...no, no, no..
