two and a half chapatis
so i just don't get it. or maybe i do. some time back i decided to fast every tuesday. so basically i really really hate fasting...a whole lot. but i figured since i don't really understand why people have to fast that i'd do it and see what happens. so it went so so...like i'd fast till 6 but every time i did that i'd just count the hours till 6 you know, then come 6 o clock i'd pig out like crazy. so i did fast and pray. except more than often my prayers were on the bed because i sometimes didn't have enough energy and when i prayed closer to 6 o clock i couldn't wait to say "amen." then over the summer i gave up fasting for a while coz i was studying and figured i couldn't concentrate...then i went back to it. then every time i fast, i keep on thinking what's the point and i figure i should just hold on anyway and see what happens. maybe i get extra strength that i don't know about. then today comes along, another wonderful tuesday and i'm fasting...i can't think and i'm tired. so i lie on my bed and read my bible. then i get this idea in my head that i shoud go check my mail (like maybe it's God talking to me). well the deal is i've been waiting for responses from med schools and i've been dead anxious about that here and there. sometimes i don't know whether to keep believing or you know consider an alternate plan in the meantime other than US medical schools. it's just frustrating not knowing anything. so in the middle of my bible session i feel that i should go check my mail and obviously in the back of my head i'm thinking today is "miracle day," the day i actually hear from a med school. and i go and nothing! so i get mad (just a tad) and figure that i torture myself too much and tell God i'm not fasting anymore and i eat two chapatis and that's not enough so i go back for another half. am i just complicated or what? will God hear me regardless of whether i fast or not? if i don't fast is it like i'm missing out on an extra blessing? or is God disappointed with me bcoz i planned on fasting every tuesday but i didn't? i don't know. it's all pretty frustrating. i still hate fasting...and what's the deal with david not giving to God that which costs nothing? fasting costs me something. so do i not love God the way i should be loving Him? questions questions. answers? answers?
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