2007....Mysteries
Last year, I set out on a mission to improve myself and committed to read 4 books a month. And I did it. In fact I got hooked on all the reading and the self help I read the covey's and mandino's of this world. I got hooked into the Kiyosaki world and must admit, I have gotten better. My mind is better. I did a lot of introspection and made decisions about how my life would have to be.
Then I broke up with Denis at the end of last year. Because something in me snapped. I needed to get away from a solid relationship where he knew who he was and where he was going and had the self confidence of a real man. I had met someone new. Someone who didn't really care about me and was sure to treat me badly, and I couldn't reconcile why it was I thought that it would be better to be in a disfuntional relationship than a safe and dependable one. I didn't want to date the other guy I just had to run away from Denis. I scared myself and I needed to find myself because the me that i want to be would NOT want to be in a potentially abusive ( physically,mentally emotionally) relationship. Plus i didn't think Denis deserved such a mess for a girlfriend.
When we talked, he showed me how dumb I really was being but I still went on with the break story. Less resolve but I did it anyway because I had to win. Why do I classify everything as a competition? Why do I feel like i have to fight all the time to get my way? Why do I feel like I'll fail at life? Especially when in reality I'm doing really well. I have this part of me thats afraid....no MORTIFIED that I'm a fake and will get found out soon...
So, 2007, I dedicate this year to finding me... Most people would think I'd go into the recess of myself but I've decided to take a different approach. I'm going to find God and in the process hopefully, find me. Why find God first? Mainly because he made me and then because I'm afraid that when I find me, I'll need someone to hold me and he's the best shoulder.
How can I say that. Well its because everytime I give that part of me a chance to come out I CRY. I mean I really cry. I cry so much I'm afraid I'll cry all of me out. I'm afraid I won't be there anymore. I'm currently reading Iyanla Vanzant's yesterday I cried, and though not identical, I can relate to so many of her feelings reflected in her life's story; Today I almost cried...Today I made up my mind once again to let Kui out. Today, I begun my journey to my true tears.
Just a little excerpt from yesterday I cried that touched me five minutes ago.
......"When you are in trouble, it's hard to believe that you are being prepared for something better. Its hard to see that the desperation you feel in the pit of your stomach is making you stronger. There's no way to tell that the fear you experience, when the bills are late, or the refrigerator is empty, makes you a wiser, more prudent decision maker.When you are in trouble, you feel weak and numb. Its hard to think. Its like waiting for the axe to fall. But there are so many axes hanging over you, you don't know which way to duck....."
My Lord of Life, love and other mysteries, I need you more than ever now...
Labels: candid, honest, I'm coming out, open, real
