Almost 10 posts later
Happy New Year my darling. I can’t believe we haven’t spoken yet. You are still my heart you know. Not in my heart. My actually heart. When we get to heaven I know I’ll thank God for you especially because you have helped me find my feet 100 times when I had lost the way or will and loved me without a fault.
So where have I been all this time.
Lets just say life has taken its own path and I walked I without much of a contingency plan. My GMAT has been rescheduled left right and centre until I’m not sure if I’ll sit. Denis was here and I had a heck of a good time. Not that everything was smooth sailing just that even the bad times were good.
Spiritually I’ve been feeling like a rug. Like I’ve done and thought enough to have fallen out with God. I started investigating certain aspects of my faith and found crevices and voids that screamed imperfection at me and for the most part of last year. When you started writing whole teachings I completely switched into defensive mode. So much so that I didn’t even want to share a web space with someone who had it together when I was falling apart. (so much for paragraph 1 line 3 huh)
I’ve talked this over only with Denis and not with great detail either, I’ve spent a lot of time talking at God about it too. Eventually sot of like a new ears gift from heaven I bought a book ‘Grab a broom Lord The dust is Everywhere by Karon Phillips Goodman. The woman is god I’d recommend you buy all her books. But that’s not the point.
The reason I bought it was because the caption screamed of my need. ‘the imperfect woman’s guide to God’s grace’ And I realised I’ve been fighting a losing battle since I begun it in November of last year. Maybe even slightly longer. I’ve been trying to get myself cleaned up enough for God to want to get involved not realising that he actually wants the mess to clean up himself. Now this sounds strange coming from the one person who is so good at elaborating God’s grace to others, but it had come to a point where I honestly believed other people deserved God’s grace more than me because they were not as informed as me. I mean how silly is that. Mean since when did God’s grace fall on the good. Better yet just when were there good people on earth.
How blind have I been trying to be perfect so that God would give me a chance rather than accept my imperfections and allow God to clean up my mess. How much easier is it to let God use his master broom to clean up my mess rather that use my own and instead increase the mess in my life.
If you are a perfectionist out there learn from my cyclic experience. Until I realised that I was taking myself nowhere I was frustrated with myself and God. Now I’m seeking his face and accepting his grace and to be honest life has improved dramatically. Let Go and let God is I guess what I’m trying to say. AVOID the Kui syndrome.
More on this later.. In the meantime thanks for being so wonderful and let me now how its hanging.
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