Thank you
that was a very difficult prayer to pray but the best one. i'm saying this because for most of my year i have been blessed with friends in cleveland who are so on fire for God. it's all about God in her (refering to one particular girl) life. the way she seeks Him and consults Him on every detail makes me hunger for more of that.
i think i rebelled though more recently. maybe i came to the realization that i was battling with things in my life. this battle was more of realizing i have God but also trying to be "real." i felt like there was a real me that i wasn't letting come out...ever since greenie, i think i had that desire in me to be someone. i praised God. i prayed. i learnt a lot about Him and I consistenly avoided what i thought was immoral. i got the impression that people thought i was being too hard on myself. to tell you the truth i didn't completely enjoy who i was...i thought i missed out on stuff. maybe i was being too hard on myself.
that idea crept up again recently. i was thinking i hadn't been given the chance to do what i really wanted to do and have God work on me from there. it's complicated. in seeing this girl with all her love for God i strangely wanted to rebel. i wanted to accept doing what i feel and eliminate some barriers in my life. i wanted to be free. to understand other people i have to be more open and free don't i? there was that thought that to get along more with people in my class i should be more flexible.
maybe this sounds weird...but i stopped playing christian music as much in my effort to be real. i listened to what i wanted to listen to...i wanted to know the latest artist and be able to talk about it...beyond that i wanted to be different...i didn't want to feel left out in conversation or in being knowledgeable so i began to pump myself with information...weird i know. i think i got so caught up in trying to be "somebody" because maybe i thought being "too christian" made me miss out on other stuff (though there is nothing wrong with knowing stuff)...it's strange you know, sometimes i'd feel my efforts were totally futile...like they didn't add anything to my life. and i've been feeling that way for a while. (so there is truth in the verse what profit a man to gain the whole world and yet lose his soul...)
where i have done what i wanted to do i have been quenching a fire that i had within me.
so i think i was okay before. God had me right where He wanted me. i pray He still does because what i feel right now is dryness. it's hard to pray. i want to pray more but i don't feel like it. i know i shouldn't base my life on my feelings but when i pray without that desire it's almost like God isn't hearing me. at least that bothers me. i think i messed up trying to be the "real me." but you're right cowi, my true self is in Jesus and in Jesus only. and i have to strive for that...
it's more real than i know. God actually does know me better than i know myself...and there's quality, real quality in living His way. even though it means missing out on others company. even though it means not being the most liked person in class. even though it means people seeing me as weird...all my fears of not being accepted are nothing compared to being accepted by the one who has the last word. by the One who knows the end from the beginning and who has promised me life and life more abundantly.
i'm really glad you said what you said. and i'm going to try to pray for you. i say try because i'm scared about this dry thing going on. but God will fix it won't He? it almost feels like i was building this building with God's help before...putting brick after brick...then i knocked down some bricks thinking i could put some of my own. but the cement isn't good enough...the bricks are not the right ones...and i have to take them down and start with God's help. it feels like a lot of work...it's not easy but God's best is still better than anything i know.
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